Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
He quoted an N'sync song to confess his attraction to me. Needless to say, I had sex with him.
oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
The girl who overdosed in the bathroom at work is back....help?
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
It's not that I even wanna fuck these guys anymore, just cuddle that's all. My conscience has never been so proud.
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
that pic of me and the hulking football player sure does come in handy when creepy guys hit on me at the bar.
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
Dude, she was there with her husband and I was there with my wife. Of course we banged in the bathroom.
Randomize
