you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
Medically YOU CAN'T BE AN ALCOHOLIC TILL 25!!!!! WE GET 3 BONUS YEARS!!!!
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
I swear, when I turn 21 in four months, I'm going to carry a flask around with me, and make a drinking game out of everything.
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
WHY IS SHE PANDERING YOU, A SIMPLE GOBLIN, TINY WEENER PICTURES OVER STATE LINES
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
Hypothetically, I throw a party and my ex-boyfriend and my current fuck buddy are in the same house... what should I do?
How many beds are in the house? Hypothetically...
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
I had to explain to the doctor why I'm peeing blood. He still didn't believe a girl would have that much sex... You could feel the judgement forming in the room when I went into the details...
Damn, well a girls gotta get laid too
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
Randomize
