Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
turn left when you see the girl thats puking on the sidewalk. she hasnt been moving much so she makes a good street marker
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
We shoved chex mix between her tits for her own survival.
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
When he sent me a picture, I swear my vag frowned. That tiny.
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
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