u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
I'm trying on my bridesmaid dress so that I can determine what will need to be done to achieve getting fucked while wearing it.
For u too. Could be years before u have a finger in ur ass
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
Eating a chocolate bar and crying over a cobweb. Life is beautiful and I love shrooms.
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
You ever sit back and realize our friendship is based off us ranting at each other with random animal photos thrown in
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
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