You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
Below this exterior of ice is a layer of cum. Followed by a pool of gin. More cum. Then, finally a heart.
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
He's perfect in every other way. Is buying him a cockring too forward or just honest?
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
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