Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
You can come over, sure. But I'll be watching college hockey during the blow job.
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
he's dressed up as pikachu 3 fucking years in a row and gotten laid each time. i don't understand
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
My penis needs a shock collar
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
Good morning 7am walk of shame. It's been awhile.
My life is pants optional.
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