He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
Randomize
