just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
Came so hard when I was riding him that I actually bit some of his chest hair off. He said I was the first girl ever to do THAT.
Nope. Turns put my desperate group message for sex didn't work out.
Well you sent it to two guys who were roommates.
They could have rock paper scissored for it. My vagina = the prize.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
looked it up online and zoo tickets are only 20 bucks and there's also a museum of science close to the hotel.
i'm not going to a FUCKING museum. i want to be wasted and possibly double penetrated... have you EVER been on vacation?
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
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