the night i cant remember will be the night i always remember thanks to my "i
my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
if you don't let us come over today i'm not taking the second plan b pill. your call.
It's amazing the difference a day and 2000 mg of antibiotic make. Nine days to go.
i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
Even my psychiatrist thinks I should fuck the married guy.
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
I feel like I hate him but his dick too bomb to hate completely
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
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