I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
I rarely go in there. Unless it's for mini cadbury eggs and whiskey.
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
I mean that was the nicest way to be dumped by some one I wasn't dating.
Randomize
