Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
I was unaware that a tutu and pasties was appropriate attire to this
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
Not going to lie- I'm a little freaked out camping right now. This is one of those high activities you don't do by yourselves...or close to bears
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
I fell asleep while studying last night and woke up smelling like whiskey and sex... words can not describe how confused I am
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
I had to bail out of the tour de Franzia because I have class Saturday morning. Grad school is ruining my life
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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