when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
do u think i could put an abortion on my debit card?
He gave them shots of purell and called it "acid rain" jello shots. They took them.
I hate freshman.
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
I don't even know man. I was to busy having beer showered on me and grabbing some balls
My pants are on and I'm pretty sure I tried to throw them at someone.
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
I have serious attachment issues. I just realized how long its been since ive smoked out of my bong and I feel guilty for dis owning it this week
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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