I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
Howd you meet this guy?
I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.
I just fucked her in her boyfriends bathroom... he was in the room sleeping.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
YOUR TITS WERE ON THE TABLE.
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
Uhmm, it's called hentai.
I DON'T CARE WHAT IT'S CALLED I DON'T WANT TO SEE IT ON MY WORK COMPUTER
so you 69ed him in the parking lot of your apartment
yah I won't allow him in my apartment
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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