Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
Exactly how many bongs can i have before my parents figure out they really aren't vases
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
I was just hoping for a dick worthy of his established age.
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
i told them you weren't like that.. and they laughed at me?
You cannot steal the fun of my nakedness. You do not own my nakedness. My nakedness is my sole property and I share that fun with whom I choose.
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