I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
I'm jealous of your bromance
its hard to take this fight seriously when one dude is an oompa loompa, and the other is a "g spot"
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
We didn't even make it to the door before they came out saying we weren't allowed in because of last time..
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
To confirm, you are a grown ass man and you just asked me what her vag looked like.
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
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