he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
I just watched Jersey Shore so I would know what rock bottom was when I reach it.
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
I haven't seen any of my friends sober in months. We have classes together.
Houston, we have a squirter
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
It was just a Craigslist hook up but she wore sweats. Where are the girls with class?
We smoked a huge blunt and then laid in bed naked eating strawberry shortcake good humor bars. We have the perfect relationship.
Is there such thing as a tasteful dick pic? I think I just got one if they exist.
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
Randomize
