either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
i paused nhl 10 while i jerked off and it was like a crowd was cheering me on
his cum tasted like old pizza and looked like old milk
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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