he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
seagrams + popov + pineapple + milk. there, ur search for worlds worst drink is over. you're welcome
Who would have thought google would have HELPED me fail a test...not pass...thank you pacman, thank you google....
I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
Just a smidgen more estrogen and shed be golden
She's got a legit dose of dude going on
No kidding. All she needs is a cheek full of chewing tobacco and I'd have fucked John wayne.
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
How the hell could he be confused. He had a naked girl running to him. I feel like he would enjoy that.
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
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