Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
he has been on a 2 week bender, has been homeless for a week and a half, and leaves for madagascar in 2 days. Do we worry or is that normal?
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
I think you just have to raise your bang age from 40 to 50, hope dust doesn't fly out and make her say tony danza
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
Its almost 1 am and u wanna get together and cry naked
After we had sex he went to the kitchen, came back with a bag of funyuns and ate them buck ass naked in his bedroom doorway. Had no idea how to react to that one.
Randomize
