I'm sorry my penis didn't work
the red head has a bf
just because there's a goalie doesn't mean u can't score
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
no normal human would even think about making waldo slutty but you
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
You better of fucked him last night or do it now because he is buying all the roommates McDonald's.
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
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