If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
You gave him your vagina and this is what I get in return? This is bullshit!
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
It finally happened. My conscience stopped working. I've never felt so free
I'd appreciated it if you didn't lick my boyfriends face again. I'm askin nicely. Thank you.
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
i figure now that we're number one party school im obligated to black out at least 4 days a week. andddd go.
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
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