I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
No. I remember how loud you used to get. Trust me.
Also managed to rip my pants and set myself on fire. And oddly enough I'm still not ready to ask for 2010 back.
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
I think he's an actor
That's not a good enough reason to wear guy-liner
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
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