this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
I only had ten dollars. So leave it to Katie to somehow makeout with the bartender, on his shift mind you, and get free drinks.
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
Randomize
