Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
wait can you just look around please? that was my favorite bra and i've already asked like 3 other guys
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
Made out with a girl in a wheelchair and rode her around while I was blackout. On a new level.
I was dressed as bob Ross as this occurred
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
He legit watched "Cops" the entire time he was fingering me.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
