Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
i just saw someone i know on True Life. i need new friends.
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
BTW car sex works all the muscle groups. Just sayin. Legs/butt are sore as are arms, back and core.
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
Randomize
