just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
i dont mean to point any fingers but there is a lot of urine in the kitchen
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
Woke up naked next to Alex and he was braiding my hair and then commented on how healthy my hair was. I don't even know anymore..
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
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