I took Valium worth by frank. I squabble
Li shadha you vin. It's phot out. I just ate a fried Oreo
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
Update is I am officially king of Gettysburg. Tam and I are being threaded like royakt. In bought e ruined a drink
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
I won't apologize to a one balled man
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
I just forgot I was standing up.
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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