My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
i am high, trapped with a bunch of skaters and asians watching a cat on lsd on youtube, the girl on the couch next to me is getting fingered, and there is lady gaga playing. god has forgetten about me
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
My econ prof just gave me a shot glass because I was the "randomly picked" winner of the lecture. Ties into our supply and demand lecture, supplied with a shot glass, demand a thirsty thursday
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
Copy that. Decided to shower with a beer in a glass bottle. Gotta stop the bleeding first. Be there is 20
You can achieve whatever you wish in your imagination with some help from drugs
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
Randomize
