Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
i do not condone bathtub ky wrestling
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
Mr. Clingalot just ran from our apartment. What the hell?
I started to cry afterward and mumble random things. Examples: "God, please don't make me be so gay anymore" and "my mom is going to be so proud of me for fucking a dude this time." It was that or let him stay the night and cuddle. I mean, fuck that horrible shit I'm a girl that needs her space.
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
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