you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
she peed on how many people?
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
I feel I must have sex with him first to fully decide where my vagina belongs.
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize
