Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
once the tequila comes in everyone elses feelings go out the window.
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
I mean...he danced with his dick still inside of me. What more could a girl ask for?
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
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