I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
We can't do acid Disneyworld.
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
I DEMAND FORESKIN
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
Randomize
