I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
We legit stopped the the game so that Jamie and I could throw up in the bushes, and then continue to play intramurals... this is what my life is coming to1
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
Randomize
