You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
she wouldn't stop crying, so we sang her to sleep. i'm guessing you will find her in the same position by the toilet in the morning. night.
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
I'm listening to a women in metal station and wearing a flannel. I may have approached peak lesbian.
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