there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
Please tell me this is my four loko that I just woke up in....
how the fuck is Katelyn 5'1" and 85 lbs and she tackled a bouncer to the ground?
Oh my god. He likes it up the butt. But loves womanly support. Omg. Its bad. Its bad. Ive had too much whiskey for this to be ANYthing except bad.
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
She yelled "taste the gay rainbow" in a biker bar. She's either brave or fuckin stupid.
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
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