Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
Jerry just sent me this: IOR GHIT ALL THE BUTTIB. Go get him. Now.
marshmallow pipe was a success. so was melon pipe. come try it
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
Can we just talk about how awesome I am. I just slept with a new guy while listening to the previous guys bands cd.
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
It's gotten to the point that when I close my eyes to cum all I see is candy crush
is there a line between daddy kink and oedipus complex?
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
Anyhow. He gives me orgasms and cuddles and buys me dinner and alcohol. Ill keep him around and cross that other girl bridge when we get there ha ha
Randomize
