Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
My vagina likes him more than I do, but I’m going to follow her lead and see what happens
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
Randomize
