miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
I JUST FOUND AN INTERNATIONAL POLE DANCING CHAMPIONSHIP IN SPANISH
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
Idk I was embarrassed that I hit it too hard so I played it off by spitting out bong water like a 'whales blowhole'
Btw there's a hedgehog in my room. Don't get it high
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
Randomize
