By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
It'd be like medium rare by now.
I love how we're talking about your vagina like it's a piece of meat.
So, how do I go about conveying: I'm sorry, yet very glad she is having my abortion. Via text msg?
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
She liked to slap me in the face while she was on top. All I can say is that big boobs can excuse a lot.
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
Randomize
