Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
i gave him a hand job with one hand and held the 40 with the other. this is like freshman year all over again.
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
is it weird that our first time having sex was makeup sex?
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
Would an open wound count as good sex or bad sex?
I know it sounds cheesy, but i think both me and her mum know they are "thanks for being so cool about finding nudes of your daughter on the camera" flowers
He showed up completely drunk with a 30 of PBR and ten cans of Spam. I like this kid.
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
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