Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
I have feelings that need drinking.
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
Randomize
