oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
The best revenge is premature balding
I just found all of my Mary-Kate and Ashley movies. Can you say drinking game?
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
Randomize
