I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
Because of you I can never eat chicken nuggets without thinking of you fucking him. I hope youre happy. I really do.
Randomize
