your parents love me but you hate me
it took me about 5 minutes before I knew it was in her ass. i thought the first time would be a bit more special
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
The black hole just entered the party man, I can literally see guys starting to move towards her.
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
this makes me concerned. not enough to actually do anything about it, but yeah.
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
dude, he literally lasted one minute. and i paid 8 dollars for cabs.
Randomize
