i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
Its 6 am and me and the girl in the next apartment have been taking turns puking and yelling "never agaaaain" thru the walls.
Dude shes not that fat. Plus, last night I probably would've done it too.
And I can feel feelings now and they hurt
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
And my only real exposure to Russian culture is you and Internet porn.
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
I should rephrase... I'm trying to not sit on other peoples faces besides my boyfriends.
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
WHY CANT I FIND JUST A NORMAL DISNEY LOVING MAN TO PAINT WITH ALL THE COLORS OF THE WIND WITH!!
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
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