Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
he sent her a picture of his penis to show that he "trusts her" or some shit like that..well she showed it to me, and let me just tell you..it looked like a freaking slug or something. creepiest penis i've ever seen. hands down
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
Also I think I realized when my life started to turn into shambles.. The day I took my high school senior picture WITH A HICKEY ON MY NECK
so much tequila, so little girl.
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
Hello my rib-scented angel!
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
idk what the male equivelent of vajazzling is but it better be worth the time
I'm not big on drama but you need to put your pants on and leave.
Randomize
