my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
just threw up in the bushes outside my lecture hall. sometimes i hate the freedom college gives you.
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
he got everyone in a room, turned off the lights and started throwing knives at the wall. if you got hit, you had to drink...
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
Yeah yeah, I don't care. I bought a super soaker, so lets please go attracting attention by spraying each other while wearing white tank tops?
drinks after work?
that question mark offends me.
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
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