I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
i mean ive seen your left buttcheek how much more bro can this get
Randomize
