what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
Just found out my brother beats off to Lauren Conrad. the Hills will never be the same.
It's like a party bus, but there's a glass, airtight wall separating the driver from the passengers, and once everyone's on, they pump vaporized THC into the cabin.
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
He tied me to the bed, fucked me and left me tied up until he proved to his room mates that he actually fucked me. But other than that, best sex ever!
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
as much as I don't like snorting drugs, I would totally be fine with someone doing a line off my ass. that's just a whole new up
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
Randomize
