Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
I FOUND AN AUSTRALIAN THEY CALL VOMMING 'RAINBOW SNEEZING' I'M NEVER LETTING HIM LEAVE EVER
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
Again??? Now we can't ever fucking go there again STOP PEEING IN FOYERS
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
Randomize
