I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
I am a human short and spout . Here is my jager Herr is my redbull . When i get real drink i shout out. Tip me over and pour yeager out
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
I'm glad I can share my workout progress with you via my nudes
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
And Mike keeps telling Will that love at first sight is true and this is just a shit show. Help.
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
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