Have you finally orgasmed yet?
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
Kinda wish I banged him. I need the exercise.
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
Dude. You stood in a corner laughing your ass off while folding clothes, facing the wall. Yes, they were weed brownies..
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
I can't handle more than one dick at once. I become crazy. It's hard to be mellow and free spirited and polygamous at the same time.
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
Randomize
