She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
Its... i dont even know. theres lots of rap music and i cant find my shoes
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
of course we have a beer bong
how else would we feed our christmas tree
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
Randomize
