I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
he brought me knee pads...is that sweet or weird?
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
finals do horrible things to a person. i haven't worn pants since friday
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
Randomize
