Gte hit a new low, I took a poopnap, passed out mid poop on the toilet.
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
Hmd? did you really just created an abbrievation for hold my dick?
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
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