just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
EVERYONE IS SPEAKING SPANISH. I ONLY KNOW HOLA.
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
My boss brought her husband's telescope to work, so all of us that work in the MMJ Dispensary got high and had an impromptu Blood Moon viewing party. I love my job.
I took a pregnancy test at Pancheros a bit ago.
I'm in my math teacher's garage hiding right now because I fucked his son last night. It's fine
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
I have bruises everywhere an I broke the lamp. So ya I'd considerate rough sex.
Randomize
