I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
Do you ever make guys send you dick pictures just cause it's hilarious?
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
she broke up with me using backstreet boy lyrics
you deserved it if you knew it was backstreet boys.
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
Randomize