Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
2 weeks into this dating someone with money thing and I already don't know if I can go back to the being poor life
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
I'm not big on drama but you need to put your pants on and leave.
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