I just found out she jerks off to lesbian porn too honest to god
you wouldn't believe how perfect a match this is its scary
I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
his cum tasted like old pizza and looked like old milk
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
Btw after this weekend the chipndales costume has a 125% success rate.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
I forgive you, at least you vote. I found out my fuck buddy isn't even registered. I won't fuck a non respectable citizen.
I fell asleep while studying last night and woke up smelling like whiskey and sex... words can not describe how confused I am
while i am personally glad that we met...i feel like for society as a whole it was a bad thing
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
We need a shit load of segways right now
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
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