: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
i said send nudes i get bra and panties. thats not what i fucking asked for.
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
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