I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
Then he told me I had the most beautiful looking vulva
When we woke up, I asked if we could play "what does your name rhyme with".....he said 'bave' thank god it was easy
You know what is really helpful - when the two guys you want to fuck stand next to each other. Stay tuned for who wins
I'm sorry but when I'm riding in the trunk on the way to mcdonalds at 6 am I just don't want to listen to reba macintire
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
In a weird way, I don't want to stalk him on Facebook. I want to find out what's wrong with him the old-fashioned way. Is this what it means to be romantic?
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
lol show me an arrest record and I'll drop my panties
Have you actually looked at the corn flakes box? I don't think the rooster has a soul.
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
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